Men cheat because their wives don’t put out enough. And because they have high cheekbones.

The Today Show this morning had this really spectacular panel that tried to answer the question of why men (read, Eliot Spitzer) cheat. Dr. Laura is all like, “uh, you guys, men cheat because bitches are evil, duh.” And then this anthropologist* says that Spitzer cheated partly because he has heavy brow ridges and high cheekbones, both of which indicate a high level of testosterone. (I’m not making this up; go watch the video.) She doesn’t bother to say why high levels of testosterone make you a cheater because, come on, everyone already knows that male hormones overwhelm and incapacitate the prefrontal cortex, right?

*she also said that in the U.S. 33% of men cheat, but so do 25 % of women. She then went on to give an evolutionary argument for how it makes total sense for men to cheat because they need to spread their seed and everything. What about the 25% of women? I guess they’re just evil bitches?

Girls suck and we should all hate them

Screeds like this are nothing new for Charlotte Allen.  If you’re going to write for the Independent Women’s Forum, it’s kind of crucial that your misogyny be both unbridled and incoherent. But, the Washington Post? Really? The section’s editor, John Pomfret, is trying to backpedal by saying the piece was “tongue in cheek.” Either he doesn’t understand that satirizing an opinion usually indicates that you don’t actually believe it, or he’s unaware of Charlotte Allen’s track record.

I like that although Allen spends the whole piece shuddering in revulsion at stupid, slimy, icky, gooey girls, she ends it with this:

“So I don’t understand why more women don’t relax, enjoy the innate abilities most of us possess (as well as the ones fewer of us possess) and revel in the things most important to life at which nearly all of us excel: tenderness toward children and men and the weak and the ability to make a house a home. (Even I, who inherited my interior-decorating skills from my Bronx Irish paternal grandmother, whose idea of upgrading the living-room sofa was to throw a blanket over it, can make a house a home.) Then we could shriek and swoon and gossip and read chick lit to our hearts’ content and not mind the fact that way down deep, we are . . . kind of dim. “

Girls are gross and stupid.  However, we’re really good at using our inferior spatial skills to arrange furniture,* and that can make us slightly less gross.  But still stupid.

*Don’t ask how this works.